A Barney Stinson Christmas Carol
by wonderflonium
Summary: Barney Stinson needs a little bit of guidance this Christmas time. Who better to show him the way to Robin than the ever-helpful ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future?


Title: A Barney Stinson Christmas Carol  
Fandom: How I Met Your Mother  
Author: wonder_flonium  
Pairing[s]: Barney/Robin  
Rating: T  
Disclaimer: I'm waiting on Santa to give me ownership of HIMYM, but it's not likely.  
Summary: Barney Stinson needs a little bit of guidance this Christmas time. Who better to show him the way to Robin than the ever-helpful ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future?

First installment of a short Christmas venture based on a drabble prompt in The Super Fantastic Holiday Drabble-a-Thon.

Christmas Eve 2008 and Barney was sat on a McLaren's barstool. Predictably enough, the counter was trimmed with sparkly red tinsel, which gave him something to pick at as he eyed the scotch in front of him. He was all alone, but he didn't doubt that within a few minutes his friends would burst through the door, brimming with Christmas spirit. Barney Stinson had never gotten too far into the holiday season. Sure, the occasional dirty carol about Ted's sister was always fun, and it wouldn't be the holidays without dressing up as Santa and inviting girls to sit on your lap at least once. But he'd never gotten the festive cheer. His mom wasn't huge on Christmas, and most of his childhood memories involved re-used presents and extra large portions of Chicken McNuggets. Now Christmas was an excuse to drink until he was catatonic and use the 'ho ho ho' line on the ladies.

A happy jingling of bells signalled the arrival of four of McLaren's most popular regulars and Barney's friends. They headed in a typically jovial fashion towards their booth, babbling about some Christmas something or other, not even noticing him sitting at the bar eyeing them suspiciously.  
Ted caught his eye and beckoned him over, smiling.

"Barney! Merry Christmas!" His jovial friend looked him once over. "You don't look very happy. Cheer up, it's Christmas!" The sentiment was copied by the other three, who were all smiling blissfully at him.

Barney had never understood the whole merriment thing. Just because it was nearing the 25th of December didn't mean that Ted wasn't still reeling from being brutally left at the altar, and it didn't mean that there was necessarily any light at the end of the tunnel. Come January, Ted would probably still be throwing himself to the wind like a big heartbroken dork.  
Barney raised his eyebrow at Ted as he took the chair at the side of the booth.

"Come on Ted, it's Christmas Eve and you're not going to get laid tonight. Robin, no amount of mince pies are going to make you forget that you're unemployed, and Marshall and Lily, you're celebrating the holidays in a crappy apartment that smells like sewer. None of you have got any reason to be cheery."

Lily rolled her eyes. "Alright then Barney, you're so awesome, your life is perfect,"

"As you're always telling us," Marshall chipped in.

"Thanks baby," she continued. "You have a great job, you live in a great apartment and you're no doubt going to pick up some skanky whore so you can come down someone's chimney tonight."

He grinned and requested a high five, but she ignored him.

"Your life is way better than ours," she persisted. "So where's that Christmas spirit? Surely you've got a lot to be happy about?"

He didn't reply, just scoffed, and the conversation soon turned to other things. He couldn't pay attention, because like so very, very often, Robin was distracting him. She wasn't talking much, just agreeing with whatever it was Marshall was saying. She was beautiful. He'd pledged to himself months ago that he'd get over this silly love-type feeling; that he'd stay true to the awesome lifestyle that had always served him so well in the past. But he was finding it harder and harder every day to ignore the way her hair settled on her cheek, the way she pronounced the word 'sorry', the way she smiled at him sometimes when he said something less crude than usual. He knew that it was worthless; he had worked that out a long time ago. But that couldn't stop him from noticing her.

The group were interrupted by Wendy the waitress thrusting a tinsel covered pot under their noses. "We're doing a collection for the homeless at Christmas time. Do you guys wanna chip in?"

Everyone murmured noises of assent as pockets were rummaged in, procuring a few dollars here and there. Everyone stuffed in a little of their beer money- everyone except Barney.

"Don't you want to give anything?" Wendy asked, reproachfully.

He shrugged. "I don't give to the poor. On principle. I made my money, I'm not about to go giving it away."

"Barney, it's Christmas. It's a time for giving," said Lily.

"You helped out at that homeless shelter for ages," Ted commented.

He shrugged. "Only because I had to. Sorry guys, but what the homeless people are up to is none of my business, and my money is none of their business."

He wasn't ashamed. But the look on Robin's face at that moment made him feel so tiny that he couldn't stand it any longer.

"Okay losers," he declared after Wendy had sloped to the next booth, jiggling her money tin slightly less enthusiastically. "You may all wanna sit here with your fake joy and jubilance, but I'm going to find me one of Santa's little helpers and see if she wants to unwrap a few presents tonight, what up!"

Everyone glared at him, and he tried to make sure that the icy hold on his heart didn't let Robin's disapproval sting too hard as he left the booth to cruise the delectable display of holiday honeys that were just waiting for him at the bar. He sidled up to the cutest looking brunette in the hope that getting up close and personal with her would stop him from thinking about a certain ex-reporter, all alone on Christmas Eve. Squaring his shoulders and taking his trusty mistletoe from his pocket, he moved in for the kill.


End file.
